


Forbidden

by Mendeia



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Genre: Absolute Silliness, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-26
Updated: 2013-12-29
Packaged: 2017-11-26 01:09:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 8,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/644870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mendeia/pseuds/Mendeia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Series of related one-shots. It isn't just Master Splinter who tries to enforce rules in the lair...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Michelangelo

**Author's Note:**

> This one came to me by accident. I was reading a wonderful Teen Titans fic by GuardianSaiyoko called "Whitewater" on fanfic.net that's a series of shorts, and intermixed in there was a list of things Beast Boy is not permitted to do, try, think, etc. It made me laugh and it cheered me up, and the next morning, after a real-life incident that I felt belonged on the list, I decided to port the concept over here. Credit for the original idea and one or two items on lists to come goes to GuardianSaiyoko (and if you have any interest in Teen Titans, go check it out!). This will begin as a four-shot, and could possibly continue beyond that if inspiration strikes.
> 
> As always, the TMNT are not mine, nor do I receive anything for messing with them. Except satisfaction. Plenty of that. All respect to Peter Laird and Mirage for the creation and continuation, and now to Nickelodeon/Viacom for picking up the torch.
> 
> Enjoy!

One morning, after a particularly long and vocal dispute with his brother, Michelangelo found a note taped to his door. The handwriting was familiar, and as he read, he was torn between laughter and indignity.

 

The List of Things Mikey Is Not Allowed To Do

 

> _Do not empty Raph's punching bag and refill it with cooked oatmeal. Ever.  
>  (And WHERE did you get all that cooked oatmeal anyway?)_
> 
> _The. Bike. Is. Off. Limits. Forever._
> 
> _Singing at 3am is not allowed. Singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" at 3am at the top of your lungs is definitely not allowed. Actually, singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" ever is not allowed._
> 
> _The perimeter alarm is for intruders, not so you can catch yourself on video doing something on your skateboard._
> 
> _There is no save point in the refrigerator. Stop wandering into the kitchen after 3 days of gaming and making a mess by looking for it._
> 
> _You are NOT "too sexy for your shell," so stop saying it. And please don't try to take it off anymore._
> 
> _Blanket forts are not to be constructed using exercise towels. Especially USED towels._
> 
> " _Cowabunga" is stupid. If you have to celebrate, pick a word that isn't a decade old._
> 
> _You are not Peter Pan, Robin Hood, or Link. Yes, you're green. No, it doesn't count._
> 
> _Don is be addicted to coffee, so if you switch his regular to decaf again, don't come crying to me when the Xbox gets used for spare parts because Donnie can't find his workshop._
> 
> _If the words "battle," "nexus," and "champion" all appear in one sentence from your mouth again, your shell will be flatter than Master Splinter's meditation mat before you can say "booyah."_
> 
> _You are definitely not allowed to order pizza with anything chocolate on it again. Ugh._
> 
> _Turtle Titan might be a hero, but he isn't immune to chores. The next time "Michelangelo" is unavailable for dishes but TT is around, Turtle Titan gets to join the roster along with you._
> 
> _Klunk is a cat, not a hamster. Do not put him in a ball and roll him again. The couch has never recovered._
> 
> _If the thought of something makes you giggle for more than 15 seconds, it's definitely not allowed._

 

Michelangelo felt a slow grin spread across his face as he reached for some paper of his own.


	2. Raphael

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, the TMNT are not mine – they belong to others who are looking the other way while I borrow them for my own purposes.
> 
> And now, back to the list!

The next day, Raphael found several sheets of paper crammed under the door to his room. After reading through twice, and sometimes laughing more than he would ever let Mikey see, he got a thoughtful expression on his face. "Time to pay it forward, eh?"

 

The List of Things Raphie Is Absolutely Positively Not Allowed To Do

> _Video games are only for advanced minds. You can't beat Mario Kart by mashing the buttons with your toes. Cut it out._
> 
> _If you want to read Mikey's comics, read them. Do NOT insert pictures from women's magazines onto the pages. Devoted fans will never recover from the image of Silver Sentry's head poking out over the top of Brittney Spears' body._
> 
> _Wrestling is either a spectator sport or you're in the ring. You can't be both at the same time, dude. Grabbing the nearest living thing and trying out a neat move on it is not polite, especially when the move involves breaking chairs._
> 
> _Master Splinter says a sai is a weapon. I say it's definitely not a fork. Learn the difference._
> 
> _Speaking of dishes, do not put your sai in the dishwasher – it upsets Donnie._
> 
> _It's pretty funny when you pre-cut Leo's candles before a round of training, because he goes all "did I really cut that far off the mark?" but it also makes him neurotic. And neurotic Leo means more training for us. Give us a break, will you?_
> 
> _Your socks stink. Like really stink. Like rank upon rank upon garbage heap stink. They're killing rats in the hamper, and I don't mean sensei. So the kitchen table is not where they should end up. (Maybe you should ask Don to build you a radiation shelter for them.)_
> 
> _You're a turtle. You don't need to wear leather pants. It's just weird._
> 
> _Rubbing another turtle's head for luck in battle is in bad taste._
> 
> _Do not change Donnie's battle simulators to play the Mortal Kombat theme – yes, it's funny, but he's starting to wig out._
> 
> _Just because they let you drive does not mean you are King of the Road, and the next time I have to listen to "Born to be Wild" on the way to an emergency, you're going to be King of the Walk Home._
> 
> _Dressing your younger brother up as Dorothy just to make April laugh is not allowed anymore. Once was enough, and we don't talk about it._
> 
> _Using action figures (they're in mint condition, dude!) to create a Zen rock garden in the kitchen is strictly forbidden._
> 
> _Do not respond to Leo's requests by clicking your heels together and saying "Yes, My Colonel!"_
> 
> _No matter how much you want to, asking to go home early is not an option. If I have to suffer, so do you!_

 

"What'd you think?" came a cheerful voice from around the corner.

"I think we need to spread the joy," came the sardonic, but wickedly eager reply.


	3. Donatello

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blah blah legal stuff blah blah don't own the TMNT blah blah blah. You've seen it before. Nothing new to report, I'm afraid.
> 
> I dedicate this chapter to everyone who has laughed so far, and to everyone whose favorite turtle is our own Donatello. If that's you twice, then consider it doubly dedicated to you!
> 
> Enjoy!

Late the following morning, Donatello found something stuck with magnets to his workbench. The paper was somewhat wrinkled, as if it had just barely survived a game of keep-away between two teenagers, and more than one familiar handwriting was evident. He ignored it for a few hours, knowing fully well it would distract him from his work. But after he finally perused it, he got an evil gleam in his eye and sat down with some paper of his own.

 

The List of Stuff Don Won't Do If He Knows What's Good For Him

> _Appliances are not gadgets – do not dismember anything we actually require to cook without permission._
> 
> " _Leave us a note when you're going out" does not mean the note can say whatever you want. "Gone to Jamaica, back by spring," is not a valid note._
> 
> _Changing passwords to protect us from hackers is okay. Changing them to keep your brothers from finding out whether or not you have an internet girlfriend is cheating._
> 
> _Coffee is not a food group. No, really, it's not._
> 
> _Welding any item to any other item solely for the purpose of laughing at Mikey is forbidden. Unless it's truly funny and not in any way aimed at Raph. (Hey!)_
> 
> _At no point in time is "Huh?" an acceptable answer to "When was the last time you slept?"_
> 
> _Beating Leo in morning practice is reason to celebrate loudly and proudly; beating somebody random over the internet playing Backgammon at dawn is not._
> 
> _Reprogramming Master Splinter's Shell Cell may be necessary on occasion, but please stop changing his ring-tone – he has no idea which phone is his anymore._
> 
> _Switching from English to technobabble just to avoid a conversation is prohibited._
> 
> _Similarly, using the most boring means to tell a story does not exempt you from explaining why you came back from the junkyard with a shopping cart full of spoons._
> 
> _Mikey's nunchaku are not to be used to brace any experiment that might catch fire and thus require him to get new ones._
> 
> " _Hey, guys, if this explodes, will you be mad?" is not a good way to wake up in the morning. Stop doing it to your brothers._
> 
> _It's true Casey has no idea what the word "ignoramus" means, and yes, you were mad when you said it, but can you please explain it to him so he stops trying to prove he isn't ignoring you?_
> 
> _Yes, dinosaurs are cool. But you are never allowed to build one in the living room again, especially out of an old couch. Especially especially if it moves._
> 
> _You are prohibited from waving anything at another turtle and saying, "Try this – see if it hurts."_

 

"All right," he cornered his brothers. "You got me. But we shouldn't leave anyone out of the fun…"


	4. Leonardo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to everybody who has ever slaughtered a To Do list, cooked truly inedible food, left a totally incomprehensible note, needed to explain an entire box of spoons, wrestled during a sporting event, used TMNT figures to create a zen garden, tried to "save" in the fridge, or believed you were Robin Hood. Sometimes real life is way funnier than anything I could ever create.
> 
> As always, I don't own the turtles – I just venerate them.
> 
> Enjoy!

His brothers had been giggling through morning practice for three days, and Leo was bound and determined to find out why. But no one really seemed willing to tell him about the private joke. "You'll get yours soon enough, fearless," Raph told him the second day. After three straight mornings, Leo was not entirely surprised to find a notebook propped against his meditation pillow in the dojo.

A Handy Reference Guide for Leo To Assist in Avoiding Unpleasantness

(Or, The List of Things Leo Should Not Do)

> _Do not rearrange Donnie's workshop to conform to Feng Shui. He doesn't like it._
> 
> _It is not necessary to prove that anything, even a pen, can be a weapon in your hands. We know that already. And the To Do list never stood a fighting chance._
> 
> _Three out of four turtles agree there is only one 4 o'clock – PM. You are forbidden to challenge this concept at any time, even if you think you have a good reason._
> 
> _Asking to have your katana sharpened more than once a day is obsessive. Cut it out._
> 
> _Meditating is not a fair way to exit a verbal sparring match. You are not allowed to sit down and close your eyes just because you know you're losing the fight._
> 
> _Yes you're the leader, and yes you're the oldest, but you also don't know saffron from soy sauce. Please stop tinkering with perfectly good food you expect others to eat._
> 
> _Your secret crush on Zhang Ziyi isn't so secret. Really, it's not. So stop hiding the big poster of her behind your closet door and just fess up – it'll be easier, and you'll only get teased for a month. Two, tops._
> 
> _Sneaking up on Mikey during a horror movie, "just to test your skills," is cheating._
> 
> _Reciting the ways of Bushido over and over to yourself in a battle is fine; reciting them "with feeling" in the shower to hear how the acoustics sound is annoying._
> 
> _Klunk is a cat – he does not sit, fetch, or come. Stop trying to convince Casey otherwise._
> 
> _If you feel that you MUST join our father for his "stories," please at least refrain from sharing who Jeremy is going to sleep with and whether or not Mandy is her neighbor's uncle's sister's long-lost daughter with the sane part of the family._
> 
> _Do not experiment with new teas for Master Splinter. He'll drink anything you offer him, and some of those combinations are downright rancid._
> 
> _Just because your bandana is blue does not mean every stitch of fabric, curtains to couch pillows, must also be blue. It's starting to look like the insides of a Blue Whale down here._
> 
> _You might play the part of the dutiful, obedient son, but we all know which turtle is responsible for changing all our TiVo settings to record HGTV. Do it again and you will suffer the wrath of the ninja noogie for a week._
> 
> _You are not allowed to forget that you have brothers, not soldiers. We DON'T march._

 

"So THIS is what you've been doing?" he asked, torn between laughter and stern discipline.

"And now it's your turn to share!"


	5. Splinter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, legal blah blah, I only revere the turtles, I do not make money off of them.
> 
> And thank you, everyone, for reading! Enjoy!

Though he was not always aware of the specifics, Splinter never, ever missed the events occurring within his own home. When there was tension between his sons, when alliances were made or broken, he always knew, even if he did not hear the words spoken or was not present for the outcome. There was nothing he did not see within his family.

Still, he could not explain what impetus was behind the sudden secrecy and hidden laughs that slowly stole over each of his sons. One by one each day, another turtle seemed to be "in" on some private joke, something that must be uncommonly amusing for the amount of reaction they tried to hide. But the ninja master did not really concern himself – this appeared to be youthful antics, nothing disruptive to that which mattered, and if his sons cared to enlighten him, they would, in their own time.

But he was not entirely surprised to find a scroll beside his teapot on the fifth day. The handwriting was familiar, and he could identify all of the culprits. But the flowing calligraphy across the top was what caught his first attention.

 

Thoughts on Maintaining True Harmony

> _Don't die. Ever. We mean it._
> 
> _With all due respect, there's only one inhabitant of the lair who can be responsible for the hair-clogs in the shower. Perhaps that individual ought to consider removing said clogs sometimes, preferably before someone else floods the place again._
> 
> _You know your "stories" aren't real, right? No matter how much you secretly wish it, Casey is not going to turn out to be the long-lost second cousin from the right to Hun. Also, shudder._
> 
> _We appreciate you trying to set our training sessions to music to motivate us, but The Fray isn't doing it for us. Really. And an accident is going to befall that CD if we ever hear it again._
> 
> _Leave the technology to Donnie, please. He's glad for the attempts to help, but it always seems to end with something a lot more broken than it was before. And he's too nice to ask you to stop._
> 
> _April doesn't speak Japanese. She probably never will. She just pretends to understand when you switch languages, and she's a pretty good sport about it, but it does make it harder when you give her a note written in kanji._
> 
> _You've told us many times that we can't sing. And you're right. We can't. Neither can you. Seriously. How about a lair-wide moratorium on all singing? Including Chinese opera. Especially Chinese opera._
> 
> _Raphael appreciates that you are trying to relate to him, but the bike is still off limits, even to you._
> 
> _We will always be your sons, but we aren't babies. The following "terms of endearment" shall be purged from the family's lexicon forever: Pookie, Riceball, BooBoo, and Little Tort. We will accept "Grasshopper" as a substitute, however._
> 
> _Don't take that "packrat" thing to far, okay? Yes, you're a rat, but there is a limit!_
> 
> _Leo will follow you wherever you go without a second thought – please recall the height difference between you when training him blindfolded. He doesn't need another concussion._
> 
> _Never, ever floss with your whiskers in front of your sons again. The nightmares haven't stopped yet._
> 
> _We recognize that you regularly practice your skills of meditation by entering the astral plane, but poking anyone from there is downright freaky to those not actually meditating._
> 
> _Mikey truly appreciates the little origami gifts you sometimes leave us, but he'll cry if you make any more of them out of his comics._
> 
> _Please either make tea or meditate; do not do both at once. Starting a cup of tea and leaving it to steep, going off to meditate, coming back to cold, crazy-strong tea, and discarding it to make a fresh cup is incredibly annoying._
> 
> _Please relax when you hear talk about "the shredder." We actually have one – Donnie uses it for documents – and it is NOT your enemy. You don't have to protect us from it, we promise._
> 
> _Leatherhead is never going to wear a mask, even if you picked the perfect color, and sneaking it onto his head isn't going to work anymore, either._
> 
> _We did have it rough a few years ago, but now we're pretty comfortable – we really don't need to eat only "slightly" moldy bread anymore. Please, if you want bread, we'll buy some. So no more Toast Surprise, okay?_
> 
> _The vehicles are not generally good places to meditate if you don't want to go for an unexpected ride._
> 
> _Nobody is perfect, not us and not you – when you break the rules, you should have to do the extra backflips, too._

 

"Unlikely," Splinter thought to himself, smiling gently. He was amused, more than he would admit to his sons, and actually quite appreciative of being included in their games for once. It was certainly a healthy exercise in creativity, if not in expressing and encouraging family harmony.

"I wonder," he said to himself, aware that his sons were probably waiting for just such a reaction, "if perhaps a similar set of encouragements might serve well if delivered to another."

Four grinning faces were suddenly before him, and Michelangelo grinned impishly.

"Yep! That's what we were thinking! And now it's your turn!"


	6. Casey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own the TMNT. Never will, though I can dream!
> 
> Enjoy!

Casey Jones wasn't the brightest bulb in the box, but he had no idea what was up with his turtle friends. Even Master Splinter seemed unusually cheerful lately! If it was near a holiday or a birthday, the vigilante would have assumed the lot of them were planning some kind of big surprise, but lacking that, he could only wait until it blew over. But then he found something shoved in his weapons bag one random afternoon.

 

Recommendations for Your Continued Harmonious Inner Life

> _A wise man once said, "Forgiveness is divine, but if you tape over my guided meditations with hockey commentary again, I will forgo divinity and accept the doctrine of retribution – painful retribution."_
> 
> _Miss O'Neil has long accepted your lack of refined manners as an endearing personality trait. Unfortunately, I have not. "Whoa, sorry!" is not an acceptable response to interrupting my meditation via the means of a hockey puck through my door._
> 
> _You are not Donatello. Please refrain from attempting to repair our television set with your fist when he is temporarily unavailable._
> 
> _Weaponry has an honored place in the dojo, and your choice of arms is your own, but the bag in which you carry them will be washed before it comes anywhere near my nose again._
> 
> _Raphael may be your best friend, and this is well for all concerned, but even he finds his patience tested when you insist on calling him with every single update from a basketball game while my sons are on patrol. If you must phone my son with the most recent score, can you not pick a lower-scoring sport to report to him?_
> 
> _We are eternally grateful for the help you have offered us, especially in our dealings with the human world when we cannot act directly. However, we do not often require assistance in emptying our refrigerator – please put your efforts elsewhere._
> 
> _It is gratifying that you have taken to watching my "stories" just to offer me someone to share them with, but due to our training schedule, I am sometimes unable to watch them as they air, instead reliant upon our technology to view them at a later time. You will refrain from telling me the end of an episode until you have established that I have seen it, or I shall instruct my sons to teach you patience in whatever means they can devise._
> 
> _The way of the ninja is silence. Please practice this lesson when you enter our lair at 4am when even the most sleep-avoidant of my sons has at last retreated to bed, and continue to employ it for as long as possible, including after we have woken but before the first cup of tea._
> 
> _With nearly all things except chores and training, Michelangelo needs no encouragement. Please stop giving it to him._
> 
> _Some of our battles are not meant to be yours. If we have refrained from inviting you to join us, it is no reflection of our feelings towards you. Please cease using any electronic means of communication to insinuate otherwise, especially the "un-friending" procedure – it is beginning to irritate everyone._
> 
> _Hockey tape is not an appropriate means of counterfeiting the belt for your gi when you train with me. And if you must use tape, black is certainly not the appropriate color. Is it available in pink?_
> 
> _If you wish to play an indoor version of the game "Capture the Flag," please do not utilize Donatello's workshop as your "base." If you repeat this offense, and he again crafts a robot to defeat you and knock you senseless, no one will blame him._
> 
> _The kitchen, while sometimes chaotic, is organized such that one may find what one needs in the dark, while injured, or while still very tired, all of which occur frequently. Attempting to help clean the area is appreciated, but putting packets of protein powder where the herbal teas reside will earn you swift justice should you try it again._
> 
> _Leonardo is quite different from yourself in many fundamental ways. Tequila will not change this, not even temporarily. Do not employ this tactic again._
> 
> _And for the last time, I am a ninja, living my life in pure shadow and secret. Thus, I do not now, nor shall I ever, have or need a MySpace account. Do not ask me again._

 

"Oh, man!" Casey laughed when five figures emerged from the shadows.

"We already started one for you," Leo said helpfully, passing over another sheet of paper.


	7. April

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I don't own the turtles, their friends and family, certain movies, certain websites, or Miley Cyrus. Just sayin'.
> 
> I have been thinking about this since I last touched it, and I have a bit for it, but I'm not totally sure. Probably I'll overcome my worry and just put up the next one or two shortly.
> 
> Enjoy!

April had been expecting Casey for more than an hour, but given his usual habits around punctuality, this was pretty much par for the course. However, when the slight tap on her door shook her out of her thoughts, she was indeed surprised to find an enormous bunch of flowers sitting on her doorstep. Nestled among them was a folded piece of paper covered with very familiar handwriting.

 

Babe's List of Stuff Not To Do

> _Substituting a veggie pizza for the meat lover's we ordered is not good for our health no matter what you say. It might be bad for your health if you try it again._
> 
> _There's no sense in getting mad at a turtle for being a turtle. If you liked those glass bowls so much, why did you ask Raph to wash them?_
> 
> _Donatello's a cool guy and all, but either get on the guys' phone plan or buy more minutes before we go broke. Besides, sometimes somebody might want to talk about something besides Don's latest scientific breakthrough, like the totally awesome move somebody mighta pulled on some Purple Dragon punks, and it's hard getting a word in between all the big ones you toss around._
> 
> _Everybody knows you pretend to be a TV news reporter in the shower talking about the fight we just won. If you wanna keep doing it, can you at least cut to commercials or give a sports update sometime?_
> 
> _Stop trying to understand Master Splinter's notes in Japanese – it only encourages him to keep writing them that way._
> 
> _Even though Leo thinks of you like a sister, you're still not allowed to noogie him._
> 
> _Feminism is all well and good, but can we save the fights about it until after the actual fight is over?_
> 
> _You get one vote on movie night same as everybody else. Nobody is ever gonna vote for "An Affair to Remember" so just give it up._
> 
> _Stop making Mikey scream like a girl with that rubber spider. We know you don't scream like a girl already, and he's starting to smash things before h e knows if they're even close to spider-shaped._
> 
> _The lair does not need any plants to make it "homier." Seriously._
> 
> _Don't hand anybody food and say, "Taste this and tell me if it's bad." If you have to ask, it's probably bad. Don't make us eat it._
> 
> _Miley Cyrus is not appropriate music for a car chase. Next time we hear that CD in the Battle Shell, it's going out the window._
> 
> _Just because you can get the drop on your boyfriend because you train more doesn't mean you have to do it in front of his mom. It's just embarrassing, even if it does make her laugh._
> 
> _You're surrounded by guys who care about you and were raised to be nice to women, but they'll declare war if you ever replace their manly soap with that fruity stuff again._
> 
> _We know you like Facebook and all, but playing Farmville is stupid. We HAVE a farm. If you wanna farm, go farm, okay?_

 

April considered crumpling the paper in her fist, but instead stuck it to her fridge with a large green magnet. Before she could even contemplate her next move, the chime of her phone indicated she had received a text.

"Tag. You're it, babe!"


	8. Stockman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dear Dr Baxter Stockman,  
> I know it's been a while, but I'll bet these haven't changed. Consider this a friendly reminder of your own fallibility. And if you feel the need to remind someone else of their own imperfections, so much the better.  
> Sincerely,  
> Wouldn't you like to know?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as sort of a year-end gift to those who have consistently reminded me that they love this story, I'm going to post the rest of it. They came to me in the last few weeks, and now I have all the lists done. There will be three chapters tonight and three next week. I hope they live up to your expectations.
> 
> Dedicated to everyone who has ever worked in an office and knows what I'm talking about here!
> 
> Enjoy!

Baxter Stockman took very little time for himself now that he was steadily becoming less and less, well, _himself_. Curse the Shredder for his gruesome means of punishment for perceived failure. As Stockman lost bits of himself he really would have rather kept, thank you very much, he turned to his few personal pursuits in the time he was permitted for what little remaining joy there was to be found in life. One of these, not well-known amongst the Foot, was an almost religious reading of a particular scientific journal to which he had once been a major contributor. Now, of course, he could only submit articles under pseudonyms. So he was surprised on one seemingly-average day to find a private message sent to him through the journal's forum that was addressed to him by name. Intrigued, he found perhaps the last thing he could ever have expected.

Dear Dr Baxter Stockman,  
I know it's been a while, but I'll bet these haven't changed. Consider this a friendly reminder of your own fallibility. And if you feel the need to remind someone else of their own imperfections, so much the better.  
Sincerely,  
Wouldn't you like to know?

 

Please Call Your Attention to the Following Statements of Fact

 

> _Yes, you are a scientist, and yes, sometimes you are mad. Often, really. But you do not need to cackle at your Hot Pocket and open the microwave shouting "It's alive!"_
> 
> _It was impressive the first time you introduced yourself by telling me how many degrees you have and from which honored institutions. Slightly less impressive the second time. But no matter how many times you say it, nobody is ever going to believe you have a doctorate in "sheer genius"._
> 
> _Please don't announce that you will be "taking my daily constitutional." It's no secret that even you have to go to the bathroom sometimes. In fact, don't announce it at all. Just go._
> 
> _No matter how brilliant you are, the printer will never produce results if there is no paper in it._
> 
> _If you have your own office, there is no reason to talk to yourself in other people's offices, even if they are "better for thinking." Similarly, you have your own supplies – if you need staples, do not swap your empty stapler for someone else's full one._
> 
> _Even if you do work with a bunch of ninjas, it's pretty unlikely they are sneaking things into your garbage can when you're not working. Please don't go to all the trouble of setting up a camera and motion detector to determine the evil culprit behind the Garbage Can Caper of the Century._
> 
> _Do not clip your toenails in the lab. Ever._
> 
> _You have a masterful voice, and it carries. However, it is rude to hold a conversation across the entire length of the building instead of just walking over._
> 
> _Your secret Friday online Hearts game is not a secret. Just saying._
> 
> _It isn't so much that your notes disappear – it's more than they have been absorbed by the piles of other things on your desk. If the dust bunnies are forming alliances and founding colonies, you might want to consider approaching your workspace with the same meticulous nature you display in the lab._
> 
> _Your punctuality is admirable. But if nobody knows where the meeting is being held, it's less likely they will join you there on time. Just a thought._
> 
> _Do not make your coffee over a Bunsen burner. It is inevitable that one day during one of your brainstorms you will leave it on the flame and, after predictable combustion, everything will get covered in scorched coffee._
> 
> _By now everyone has heard your story of when your basement laboratory in undergraduate school flooded and the computer on the floor was ruined. It's a legitimate fear in some circumstances. But wrapping every computer in the building in cling-wrap to this day is a little extreme. And it probably wouldn't help much anyway. Especially for those computers on the upper floors._
> 
> _Why do you even bother to submit expense reports if they won't actually explain your expenses? And writing out the descriptions in binary is not an impenetrable code – people will figure out you're expensing your wardrobe before too long._
> 
> _If you happen to lose an eyebrow in an unexpected fiery event during an experiment, don't try to draw it on with a permanent marker. Not only does that make it look worse, but you never do it right and nobody has an eyebrow shaped like a rainbow._

 

Stockman read through the message twice, tried to figure out who might know him well enough to create it, and found himself smiling wickedly. Whether he was right or wrong about the originator of the list, he could certainly return the favor to someone who decidedly deserved it!


	9. Chaplin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dr Chaplin logged into his computer one very early morning to find that his desktop had been replaced with an icon of a chibi version of himself wagging his finger disapprovingly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't even explain where some of this came from.
> 
> Enjoy!

Dr Chaplin logged into his computer one very early morning to find that his desktop had been replaced with an icon of a chibi version of himself wagging his finger disapprovingly. Snorting with good humor, he clicked on it to find a document waiting for him.

 

> Strong Suggestions for Inferior Scientists
> 
> _No real scientist wears orange cargo pants under their lab coat. Buy a suit._
> 
> _Written reports should be submitted per the extensive guidelines you have been provided. Nowhere in those guidelines will you see that emoticons are a welcome addition to your scientific insights._
> 
> _The only thing more annoying than your "Call Me Maybe" ringtone is the fact that you insist on singing along with it before answering your phone._
> 
> _You are not a Mythbuster. There is no need to blow up everything at the end of your experiment._
> 
> _You are not a Foot Ninja. You will never be a Foot Ninja. Karai will not notice you even if you "accidentally" leave Foot gear hanging around, pretending to have been working out in it. And that headband was on upside down._
> 
> _The supercomputer is not to be used to help you come up with ever better submissions for your Words With Friends match._
> 
> _You are well compensated by the Foot. There is no need to use the hydro-compressor and certain lab chemicals to wash your clothes. Nor is the wind tunnel simulator the appropriate place for a clothesline._
> 
> _Keeping a scoreboard for "King of the Lab" is tacky. And you cheat anyway. There's no way you should have that many more points than certain other accomplished scientists who are many years your senior and vastly more intelligent. If you're going to award a crown, give it to the right person._
> 
> _Organic or not, your food smells terrible. Eat it elsewhere. We will all thank you for it. And no, we don't want to try it. We'll be busy coaxing the maze rats out of the comas induced by the smell._
> 
> _Any and all statements that begin with "When I was in high school, we did this slammin' thing" or "I once saw this TV show where they did this awesome thing" will be summarily ignored._
> 
> _You are a part of a vast and glorious empire of ninja who will rule the world from the shadows. You look like a moron when you fret over whether or not our inventions contribute to global warming._
> 
> _Yes, it's adorable that you Skype with your mother once a week. But nobody wants to overhear her kissy noises when she says goodbye. Please use those expensive headphones of yours for the calls._
> 
> _It was poor taste to show up on Halloween dressed as one of the master's hated turtle freaks. You deserved every inch of the beating you received._
> 
> _For the last time, no, the tickets to the Yankees are held by the legitimate corporation that shelters us and are to be used for business purposes only – you cannot swipe them to try to entice Karai on a date. And if you think baseball will win you her heart, you are more stupid than you look._
> 
> _I can personally prove that you are the person who goes into the lab kitchen, takes one bite of someone else's sandwich, and puts it back. If you ever do it again, the photographic evidence will be submitted to every computer console in the tower._

 

Dr Chaplin, red-faced half with flushed embarrassment and half with laughter, took out a pad of his favorite recycled legal-size paper and grinned. "A wise man once said that there is no better gift than that which is returned as a gift anew, and boy do I have something to give!"


	10. Hun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hun had just finished punishing – er, training – a few new Purple Dragons recruits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even more fun, somehow.
> 
> Come back next week for the thrilling (and hilarious) conclusion!
> 
> Enjoy!

Hun had just finished punishing – er, training – a few new Purple Dragons recruits. He was in a particularly good mood, having just that day wiped the floor with a particularly annoying teenager, which is the only reason he did not put his fist through the wall when he found the note taped to his locker in the exclusive locker-room reserved for only certain lieutenants amongst Master Shredder's army. Hun blinked at the note several times, its contents so unexpected he literally could not help but absorb them in shocked silence.

 

Ways and Means of Improving Your Life

> _It might be worth admitting that you are not as tough as you think. You will only be laughed at a little, surely. It's already well-known that you fainted when you got you first Purple Dragons tattoo, and didn't those scars on your face come from a mouse?_
> 
> _That thing on your expansive neck is your head, containing, one theorizes, a brain. It should, in theory, do more than smash cans. Give it a try._
> 
> _All internet traffic in and out of the Tower is monitored. We know who keeps downloading the bootleg video games. It's not the bootleg thing that bothers us – we are a criminal enterprise, after all – but the games themselves. Pokemon? Really?_
> 
> _Your gym bag should be labeled as hazardous waste. The whole Foot will contribute to buy you a new one if you want. Don't think we didn't notice when a raccoon tried to make a home in it and you didn't notice for a few days._
> 
> _The eighth floor lounge is not your personal recreation space, and putting a sign up that says "Hun's Place – keep out or get dead" was just in poor taste._
> 
> _On fondue night, stop hogging the best spot. Nobody else can reach the pot around you._
> 
> _Change the bottles or remove the labels all you want – your secret's out. The Herbal Essences sure makes that long braid shiny though!_
> 
> _Do you ever get cold? Ever? The rest of us like heat on level 12. Do not rip the thermostat out of the wall again or there will be consequences._
> 
> _There's only one guy with waistband size 97 in the tower, so those shiny silver club pants didn't belong to Tiny. If you don't want us to see what you wear in your spare time, don't put it in the communal laundry._
> 
> _It has been noted that Purple Dragons targets have an 89% chance of being located less than a block from an ice cream parlor. Since you're out anyway, you could steal enough for everybody instead of just getting yourself a cone._
> 
> _The soundtrack from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" is not appropriate music for weapons training._
> 
> _The Master may not care about who left the can of body spray on the air filters until it overheated and exploded and the tower smelled like "forest musk" for a week, but we do have security cameras and we will release the stills if it happens again._
> 
> _Stop stealing the security covers for top-secret scientific reports just so you can cover up your dirty magazine covers. Have you looked around? Everybody here reads the dirty mags. We have a corporate discount for them due to high demand. But not everybody should be able to waltz by a desk and see the title of a report on suspected mutations within the Tower. It's bad for morale._
> 
> _Stop drawing Purple Dragon initiation ink designs when you're drunk. The last one looked like a mauve worm. No wonder that kid bailed on us._
> 
> _You couldn't operate your way out of an old-time phone booth. Stop touching the tech!_

 

Hun crumpled the paper in his hands, knowing he was going to give a beat-down to somebody for this, but not sure who. There was something in the handwriting that looked girly to him, though. And all the words were spelled right. Not a Purple Dragon then. Girly. Wait…


	11. Karai

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karai's temper boiled and it took ten minutes of intense yogic breathing to keep her from tearing apart her office in a tantrum that would have put the ancient gods to shame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yahoo! Last trio of chapters! And then I think we can all agree this has come to a nice, full-circle kind of end. I don't know – maybe someday I'll turn it into a spiral instead, but for now, I think this story has earned a true status as Completed. I hope it's been worth it!
> 
> Enjoy!

Karai was looking through some reports from the surveillance teams when a page obviously jammed into the stack by someone other than one of her ninja slid out. Not one of the Foot would dare hand her something torn off the back of the _Official Foot Instruction Manual and List of Appropriate Disciplinary Actions (Including Death and Dismemberment)_. They knew how she felt about such waste, let alone disrespecting the code of honor (and punishment) they lived by. Karai frowned darkly.

 

 

If We're Making Lists, Here's One For You

> _You might be the Master's favorite, but you are not the strongest person here. The next time you tip over after grabbing the biggest barbell in the weight room, even your glare won't keep us from laughing._
> 
> _Stop asking the Foot Mystics to stand by to provide water and earth at your command when you're working on your little pottery habit. Someday they're going to fry you and nobody will wonder why._
> 
> _You're as bored as the rest of us at the quarterly earnings reports the Master insists we attend even if we can't understand the first word. Taking notes in Japanese just to conceal the fact that you're writing out new and creative death threats rather than paying attention won't work anymore. At least write better threats if you're going to do that._
> 
> _Speaking of which, "I will dance on the cherry blossoms that adorn your gravesite" is not as tough as it should be for the second-in-command of the Foot. Leave out the flowers next time._
> 
> _God god, woman, do you own_ _any_ _clothing at all that isn't a ninja uniform or a really, really slinky dress? Wear a t-shirt like a normal person sometime, will you?_
> 
> _Put up all the fliers you want. Nobody is ever going to show up when you try to host Salsa Night in the cafeteria. Even if there are people who would dance in the Tower, they're too scared of you to come._
> 
> _Don't ever replace the liquor cabinet with an herbal fruit drink cabinet again. You won't survive the mutiny._
> 
> _There would be fewer rumors about you and the freak Leonardo if you didn't blush every time he was mentioned._
> 
> _Ditto Dr Chapman. Somehow that's even worse._
> 
> _Ninjas don't use Twitter. And they definitely don't retweet EmergencyKittens._
> 
> _You're Japanese. Why do you care so much about the Macy's Thankgiving Day parade anyway? And can we not have it on enforced repeat on every TV in the Tower for the 2 days afterwards? Otherwise next year the Purple Dragons might make their own appearance. Then at least it would have some good head-bashing to liven it up._
> 
> _Your secret stash of Nutella is not so secret. Stop sending people on fake missions just to get them out of the kitchen when you want to reveal its "clever" hiding place behind the dishwasher._
> 
> _Stop tearing down our demotivational posters in the lounge. They make us laugh and we don't care if they're an insult to honor or whatever it is that bugs you. Putting up the real motivational versions does not improve things._
> 
> _Don't give the cooks any more ideas. You almost killed us with that red wasabi stuff last time._
> 
> _If you stop calling us "unwashed American swine," we might stop calling you "Hello Kitty."_

Karai's temper boiled and it took ten minutes of intense yogic breathing to keep her from tearing apart her office in a tantrum that would have put the ancient gods to shame. But with that enforced calm, she also came to a different conclusion. While the missive was, of course, totally out of line, there might indeed be a slight value to one or two of the points. Perhaps such an attempt had merit after all. And if handled more delicately, there was every possibility that such a memo might be useful to others as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. If I ever do come back to this for a sequel, it would probably be as an edition of the Official Foot Instruction Manual and List of Appropriate Disciplinary Actions (Including Death and Dismemberment), because ye gods THE POTENTIAL!


	12. Shredder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who could have DARED?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only Karai would have the guts for this. Even I was scared!
> 
> (Also, the one about the PR department is a nod to my real-life job in the transportation industry, and yes, you can laugh – everybody else does!)
> 
> Enjoy!

Oroku Saki, also known as the Shredder, handled more paperwork than one might expect of the leader of a criminal enterprise and a large Clan of Ninja. However, he also managed a very extensive corporation, and with that came paperwork, most of which was organized by Karai directly. So how this page had gotten past her and to his desk, in a file called "Urgent" was beyond explanation. Who could have DARED?  The Shredder read it with cold fury.

 

Anonymous Suggestions

> _Please refrain from testing the blade of new swords on the tapestries in your audience chamber. We are supremely wealthy, but those tapestries are custom-made and very expensive. The accountants are beginning to ask questions._
> 
> _If you wish to yell at your subjects in your native language, it is suggested you provide a translator – some of our number are barely in command of one language, let alone two._
> 
> _Freezing the sewers beneath the Tower to prevent incursion by our enemies is a fine tactic, but when the sewage backs up, please understand the need for the Foot (not to mention the non-Foot corporate employees in the first few floors of proper offices) to retreat to the surrounding coffee shops as needed._
> 
> _Correspondingly, the general consumption of lemon seed and double chocolate cakes tends to increase when the Foot are more often in the shop across the street, which may account for the general sugar rush that follows. It would be unwise to ask our ninja to accomplish anything difficult while so shaky._
> 
> _We have a number of artisans who craft our weaponry for us. The phrase "I've got a splinter" should be removed from verbal commands that activate the Tower's internal security systems, or we risk continued false alarms and unnecessary damage by the building's laser defenses._
> 
> _It is not unreasonable for a skilled ninja to request a mask whose eyepieces correct for otherwise poor vision. Refusing this request leaves us vulnerable and results in those warriors mistaking furniture for foes in low lighting. Our ninja operate in a great deal of low lighting._
> 
> _There is no honor in challenging randomly-selected Foot ninja to a contest in Go. Most of those within the Tower have never even heard of the game, and those who have would be too awe-struck by your presence to have any hope of proving to be a worthy opponent._
> 
> _Please check with your speechwriters before your next public appearance. Language evolves over time. The phrase "we participate in the reefer business" does not only mean the refrigerated transport of goods, and the PR department is still fielding the press on it._
> 
> _It is in poor taste to purchase little-known works of art by famous artists of the Renaissance, even if they do serve a glorious purpose in suffering your wrath when the four namesakes of those artists thwart your plans._
> 
> _The surveillance van sent to spy on the O'Neil woman's apartment is regularly tagged by local thugs. According to your orders, the van is washed each time it returns to the garage. This has only encouraged the thugs to use more durable paints. The van would be better camouflaged if we allowed the graffiti to stand anyway, and the mechanics would be grateful to not suffer your wrath if they miss a spot again._
> 
> _It is understandable that many would wish to emulate their Lord and Master, thus resulting in the abundance of Shredder costumes on Halloween. However, it may have been beyond the bounds of fairness to test each costume's accuracy with the point of your sword. We lost quite a few skilled ninja to the infirmary that night. If you wish costumes to be realistic, please specify this before launching such an examination of them._
> 
> _Both Karai and Hun would do anything you asked or commanded without hesitation. They also know you often command them to interfere with one another for your own amusement. They will not disobey you in this, but if such diversions could be reduced to once per week, it would increase both their productivity and their overall peace of mind._
> 
> _It is against city health regulations, not to mention disgusting, to keep the parts of Baxter Stockman that you have rightly removed "as reminders." If you must keep them to serve as an example, might they be moved to a more suitable location than the 15th floor common kitchen freezer?_
> 
> _The garden on the rooftop is your pride and joy, but this is also New York City, which has a rather different climate from Japan. Throwing your gardeners off the roof when your delicate flowers and trees die is hardly fair, but it is your right. However, please give notice to the agents on the ground floor so they can clean up the mess before our neighbors become suspicious._
> 
> _To be frank, the Foot are, as a collective, rather dim of intelligence. They take orders well, but they require absolute clarity or risk failure. "Destroy them!" is clear enough, but "I want revenge" is less so, which is how your Netflix queue was recently reprogrammed to include a weekly television drama. Please keep this in mind when speaking with low-ranking ninja in the future. Or else change your password._

"If what the Foot need is _clearer direction_ ," Shredder growled, "I will be more than happy to supply it."


	13. The Foot Clan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because the best endings are always new beginnings...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who has ever laughed at this story, identified with its wackiness, or asked for an update. I'm glad I gave you a smile and I'm grateful you gave me reason to find one myself.
> 
> Enjoy!

It was Raph who took the page from the back-pocket of a Foot Ninja during a skirmish on the rooftops. He didn't glance at it during the fight, but later, when the turtles had retreated to their lair, remembered it and drew it out. The family gathered around the page eagerly as soon as Raph started to laugh.

 

 

New Commands to All Foot Ninja from Your Lord and Master

> _Casual Fridays will never ever happen. Stop creating comment boxes (that will also never ever exist – this is not a democracy and I do not take suggestions from my subjects) through which to request them. You are ninja. Ninja do not wear jeans while on duty._
> 
> _We do not celebrate holidays. Anyone caught wearing a red nose that belongs on the face of a mythical reindeer will be rewarded with a spontaneous amputation of said nose and any flesh nearby._
> 
> _Plushie Shredders are in no way, shape, or form, to be produced_ _ever again_ _._
> 
> _Whatever individual or individuals made the unauthorized decision to change the general klaxon signifying that we will be moving out in force to a punk version of "Get The Party Started" are hereby informed that your names will be known within the day and you are expected to report to my receiving room at dusk. Bring a tarp and your final wishes._
> 
> _Additionally, our sonic equipment was designed to produce weaponry, not dance mixes. The next files found anywhere on the system that do not result in disabling or fatal consequences to any who hear them will be traced and the file owner punished. (Note – creating_ _horrible_ _dance mixes does not qualify as "disabling consequences" no matter how many people are prevented from dancing while demanding the mix be stopped.)_
> 
> _The Foot Clan uniforms are not professional sports jerseys. We do not produce a pink version and I don't care if it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. You are also not to add patches, numbers, names, or any emblems or mascots other than the glorious Foot to any part of one._
> 
> _If word ever reaches me again that someone has begun an underground daycare for Foot children under the guise of "early recruitment" they will be rendered infertile with extreme prejudice._
> 
> _All crosswords, Mad Libs, tic-tac-toe, and other such games will be removed from all bathrooms at once. I cannot believe I have to give this order in the first place._
> 
> _Additives to coffee are permitted as needed. However, whole pots cannot be "spiked" without a clear warning sign. Not all ninja appreciate their coffee cut with either vodka or strawberry-cream syrup. Anyone caught spiking the coffee pot that serves my penthouse will drown in their concoction._
> 
> _Using the building's ducts to move between floors is not an acceptable alternative to waiting for the elevators except in a genuine emergency. Long lines at the dinner hour do not constitute an emergency. Those ducts are electrified for a reason and I will not hesitate to use them._
> 
> _The PR department will stop requesting a photo of Oroku Saki where "he is really smiling happily" – you will accept whatever false smile I wish to show or I will happily cut a smile into your faces instead._
> 
> _Fallen Foot soldiers may be remembered honorably by silence or quiet prayers. Even if a member of our Clan is of other heritage, there will never again be an Irish wake held for anyone. And all drinking songs are forever forbidden from the Tower. Those blasted earworms are more tedious and irritating than even the turtles themselves._
> 
> _The Foot Clan will not sponsor a beauty pageant just to fulfill some adolescent fantasies. As you may have noticed, we have very few women amongst the Foot, and the next request for an event featuring Karai in a bikini will be met by whatever means_ _she_ _deems necessary in full view of the entire Clan. Karai – please do make it worth watching. I have always been fond of death by a thousand paper-cuts._
> 
> _All members of the Foot band known as "The Secret Assassins" will cease advertising themselves in the rest of the city. You may continue to operate within the Tower and produce more songs such as "Our Great Master" and "Shredder is Watching You," but you will suffer "My Wrath" if you make yourselves known to the public._
> 
> _Foot clan headbands are to be worn exactly as befits the uniform. Wearing one sideways to appear more "ghetto" will result in immediate termination in every sense of the word._

When next the turtles had reason to attack Foot Tower, they made certain to leave behind dozens of badly-made stuffed Shredder dolls, every single one smiling brightly in a pink helmet and wearing jeans.

The howl of outrage could be heard in New Jersey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end. Maybe.


End file.
